Bits and Pieces
by nixajane-f0rcryin0utl0ud
Summary: In an effort to help Daniel, Sam and Janet do some research into a delicate matter. (See CONTENT WARNINGS)


Title: Bits and Pieces  
  
Author: ForCryinOutLoud and Layton Colt  
  
Email: AwForCryinOutLoud@Yahoo.ca or laytoncolt@hotmail.com  
  
Status: Complete  
  
Category: Humor. Internet madness.  
  
Pairings: I'm sure there are lots of them. But none are in this story.  
  
Spoilers: See 'Pairings.'  
  
Season: Eenie Meanie Minie Moe.  
  
Sequel: This story is kind of the Sam and Janet version of the Twinkie stories, but is a stand alone.  
  
Rating: R  
  
Content Warnings: If the word "penis" or any of its many euphemisms make you uncomfortable, this isn't the story for you.  
  
Summary: See 'Content Warnings.'  
  
Author's Notes (Layton's): This idea was completely thought up and make- believe and in no way is based AT ALL on real events whatsoever. But, if you didn't believe that, I feel you should know, FCOL found the site that inspired this story. And I don't think she stumbled onto it by accident, either.  
  
Author's Notes (FCOL's): It WAS an accident, besides, Layton is the one that decided we HAD to write a story about this. I plead complete and utter innocence. That being said, I just have to say how disappointing it is that this story WASN'T based on real events...*sigh* ;)  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own the characters of Stargate: SG-1. And they thank god for that every day.  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
"I can honestly say that SG-2 has never fallen into a pond while trying to reach an artifact that turned out to be a rock."  
  
"Welcome to my world, Ferretti. I've got a used archeologist for sale. Going cheap...interested?"  
  
"Keep it up, Jack, and I'll leave willingly just so you can't make a profit."  
  
"No offense, Doc, but I don't think we'd survive having you on SG-2."  
  
"There's always SG-11. They're already cursed, I'm sure they'd take me."  
  
"Don't even think about it, Daniel. You'd get captured again, and SG-1 would have to go rescue you. I don't think my knees can take much more of your cross planet excursions. Besides, Carter would kill me if I let you leave SG-1. You're the only one that listens to her techno babble."  
  
"Let me?" Daniel asked with a raised eyebrow. "You tried to sell me."  
  
"I was just kidding. You know I'd never sell you...especially since no one would be willing to pay my price."  
  
"If your price is a day's rations, I may have to hurt you."  
  
"Hey, have you seen the new shower gel I bought?" Jack asked with a disarming grin, in a not-so-subtle attempt to change the subject.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Uh, nothing...so, anyone hear if Siler is ever going to get around to fixing the hot water in this joint?"  
  
Daniel gave Jack one last bemused glance, before answering, "Last I saw him, he was heading off to the control room with his wrench."  
  
"Well I don't know about you guys but I'm beginning to wonder if that wrench is just for show," Ferretti said.  
  
"Just for show, Lou?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"I've wondered that too," Daniel said with a frown. "What could he possibly be doing with that huge wrench around here?"  
  
"I don't think I really want to know...Dammit, this water just dropped another 5 degrees, my bits are going to be freezing off pretty soon."  
  
Daniel laughed. "Your bits?"  
  
"You find something funny about the Little Colonel, Daniel?"  
  
"No. I do, however, find something funny about you naming it the Little Colonel."  
  
"What, you haven't named yours? No Little Tut?"  
  
"No, Jack. I haven't named my penis, Little Tut or otherwise."  
  
"C'mon, Doc, it's a time honored tradition. All guys name it something."  
  
Daniel glanced over at Ferretti in confusion. "You've done it too? Is this a military thing?"  
  
"Indeed it is not, Daniel Jackson. I too have named my genitalia."  
  
Daniel's mouth dropped open. "You've ALL named it?"  
  
"Yes, Daniel. You should consider a name...you don't want to be the ONLY one who doesn't have a name for his penis."  
  
Daniel narrowed his eyes. "Just what are your 'names'?" he demanded.  
  
"Well, I was going to call mine the Little Colonel, but couldn't...for obvious reasons...so I've gone with the Little General," Lou said with pride.  
  
"Got some pretty big aspirations there, don't ya, Lou?" Jack chuckled.  
  
"Teal'c?" Daniel prompted warily.  
  
"To the Tau'ri the name would not translate properly, so I have since renamed it to Mr. Wiggles."  
  
"Mr. Wiggles?!?!" Jack roared in laughter. "Teal'c, buddy, remind me to help you find a better name."  
  
"I do not wish to find another name, O'Neill. Mr Wiggles is the name I have chosen." Teal'c shot a look at his friends, daring them to laugh at Mr. Wiggles once more.  
  
"Mine is called Maverick," one of SG-2 added.  
  
"Big Mike," said another.  
  
The third member gave them all a big grin. "Cream-filled Twinkie of Doom," he said with a pleased nod.  
  
______________________________________________________  
  
"Hey, Sam"  
  
Sam turned and smiled over at Janet. "Hi."  
  
"I am in need of a serious hot shower. How was the mission?"  
  
"Oh, the usual. Daniel fell in a swamp, one he optimistically called a pond. The Colonel and Ferretti went in after him. It wasn't pretty."  
  
"Sounds like a typical day," Janet laughed. "Well, at least we hit the lockers at the right time." Janet checks her watch. "The guys must be long gone by now. I thought I heard the Colonel mention something about dragging Daniel fishing?"  
  
Janet pushed the locker door open, stepping inside.  
  
Sam followed her in and froze.  
  
"Dammit, this water just drop another 5 degrees, my bits are going to be freezing off pretty soon."  
  
Janet's eyes widened, then narrowed. She got a wicked gleam in her eye, and grabbed Sam's arm, pulling her farther into the locker room.  
  
"What are you doing?" Sam hissed. "They aren't supposed to be here--but, since they are, we really shouldn't..." Sam trailed off as she heard Daniel's voice.  
  
"Your bits?"  
  
Janet winked, placing her finger to her lips silencing Sam.  
  
"You find something funny about the Little Colonel, Daniel?"  
  
"Little Colonel?" Sam gasped.  
  
"The last time I saw the little Colonel, it wasn't so little," Janet whispered back gleefully.  
  
Sam clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. Janet elbowed her in the ribs, straining to hear more of the conversation.  
  
"No, Jack. I haven't named my penis, little Tut or otherwise."  
  
It was Janet's turn to clamp a hand over her mouth, stifling the giggle that almost escaped.  
  
"C'mon, Doc, it's a time honored tradition. All guys name it something."  
  
Sam leaned closer. "They do?" she whispered.  
  
"Apparently." Janet pushed Sam over, both moving closer to the shower room.  
  
"Indeed it is not, Daniel Jackson. I too have named my genitalia."  
  
Janet looked at Sam, this was too much. Teal'c?  
  
"Where's my tape recorder when I need it?" Sam asked in a whisper.  
  
"Where's a video camera when you need it?" Janet grinned. "And believe me, there are a few in there worth video taping."  
  
"Only a few? Which few?"  
  
"Ssshhh...I'll tell you later."  
  
"You've ALL named it?"  
  
"This I gotta hear."  
  
Sam nodded and strained closer to the locker.  
  
"Got some pretty big aspirations there, don't ya, Lou?"  
  
"Actually..." Janet whispered, winking at Sam.  
  
Sam's mouth dropped open. "Ferretti? Really?"  
  
"Trust me."  
  
Sam eyes widened. "Too bad he's married."  
  
"Ain't that the truth, now Daniel on the other hand..."  
  
"Mr. Wiggles?!!?"  
  
"Mr. Wiggles?" Sam and Janet echoed together.  
  
Janet grabbed Sam's arm, tears forming in her eyes. She bit her tongue, forcing herself not to burst into a fit of laughter.  
  
"I do not wish to find another name, O'Neill. Mr. Wiggles is the name I have chosen."  
  
"I can't breathe!" Janet hissed, shaking with unheard laughter.  
  
Sam gasped. "I think we should get out of here, Janet. I think...I think I might lose it..."  
  
"Cream-filled Twinkie of Doom!"  
  
"And believe me, he's no more than the size of a Twinkie."  
  
"Aght," Sam squeaked. She backed up, pulling Janet with her.  
  
Janet let herself be dragged away from the showers, as she reached the door she couldn't contain herself any longer--a guffaw escaped. Sam clamped a hand over Janet's mouth, whipping the locker room door opened.  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
"Did you guys hear something?" Jack asked as he made his way towards the locker room.  
  
Daniel followed him out of the showers. "Actually, I thought I heard some kind of 'squeak' a moment ago."  
  
"Hmmm, no one there...we must have been hearing things. Now, back to the matter at hand...there are plenty of names to choose from, Daniel..."  
  
"I don't want to give it a name," Daniel snapped.  
  
"Then we'll name it."  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
Janet and Sam stumbled down the halls, desperately trying to keep their legs beneath them, their continued fits of laughter threatening to send them crumbling to the floor.  
  
"Holy Hannah," Sam gasped.  
  
"Where did they come up with those names?" Janet asked, breaking into a fit of squealing laughter again.  
  
"I have no idea. Mr. Wiggles? We might want to cut off Teal'c's cable access," Sam snickered.  
  
"Believe me, I can think of a few names that better suit Teal'c." Janet grinned mischievously.  
  
"Oh?" Sam grinned. "Do tell. Maybe we can make a list to help out Daniel."  
  
"Come on. I've got some paperwork to finish in my office." Janet winked, as a Sgt. walked by.  
  
Sam laughed once more and headed after Janet.  
  
Shutting, and locking the door Janet headed for her computer. "You know, I stumbled across this site, purely by accident of course, we might find a few possibilities for Daniel there."  
  
"What? A site for baby names?" Sam asked.  
  
"Uh no, something much better...or worse, depending on your outlook." Janet chuckled.  
  
Sam pulled the visitor's chair around to the other side of the desk and sat down beside the computer. "You've got my interest."  
  
Tapping away at a few keys, Janet brought up the website she was talking about. "Voila."  
  
"Oh my god," Sam gasped. "That's...that's..."  
  
"THAT, is The Shaft's Penis Euphemisms."  
  
Sam's eyes widened as she took in the Euphemisms for A. "Hey! Action Jackson! That would work."  
  
"I'm Daniel's Doctor, remember? Believe me, lately, that name wouldn't suit."  
  
Sam sighed. "What a waste."  
  
"You're telling me. Bald headed giggle stick? Who comes up with these?"  
  
"Maybe the same people that visit these sites," Sam said, giving Janet a suspicious glance.  
  
"What? I told you, it was an accident."  
  
"Right. You brought it up pretty quickly for just having stumbled on it once by accident."  
  
"Well, I could always let you go back to working on your naquada reactor."  
  
"Touchy, touchy," Sam said. "Move over a bit. I can't read the C's."  
  
"Quit pushing....'Captain Kirk'.? Cockus Erectus..." Janet raised her eyebrow.  
  
"Is that the correct medical term?"  
  
"Not in any of my medical books"  
  
"Oooo! Cyclops. I like that one. It's very clever."  
  
"Yes, about as clever as Daddy Long Stroke."  
  
"Doodle?"  
  
"Uh, deep veined purple helmeted Spartan of love...tell me, would anyone honestly date a guy that named his penis that?"  
  
"Why are you looking at me like that while you ask that question?"  
  
"Never mind." Janet turned back to the computer screen. "Doughnut holder...why do I have visions of Homer Simpson in my head?"  
  
"Why did you have to put them in MY head?"  
  
"Misery loves company...flesh Twinkie? I'll never look at a Twinkie the same way again."  
  
"I'm still not quite past the cream-filled Twinkie of Doom."  
  
"What is it with guys comparing their penises to pastry?"  
  
"I don't think I want to think about that."  
  
"OK, G's."  
  
"I'm still on E. Excalibur might work. What do you think? That sounds like Daniel."  
  
"Hmmm...I don't see Daniel as anything medieval.OH MY GOD!!!!"  
  
"What? What?"  
  
"The Great Pyramid!!"  
  
"By George, I think we've got it," Sam grinned.  
  
"I think Daniel would be quite pleased with our choice," Janet beamed. "I have to say, though, Mr. Wiggles just does not suit Teal'c."  
  
"How about the The Fierce Warrior? That suits Teal'c."  
  
"Hey, just out of curiosity, have you ever seen any of them naked?"  
  
Sam grinned brightly.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes...so you've seen Teal'c then?" Janet raised an eyebrow in a perfect imitation of the Jaffa being discussed.  
  
"Well, not all of him," she admitted disappointedly.  
  
"Well, let me just say that this is THE perfect name for Teal'c..." Janet pointed to the screen. "He who must be obeyed."  
  
"I want your job."  
  
"Not a chance."  
  
"You'd get to watch Daniel's six if you had mine."  
  
"Oh believe me, I've seen plenty of Daniel's six, minus those cumbersome fatigue pants." Janet grinned lustily.  
  
"I guess you have no medical reasons to take pictures, huh?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sure I could think of something."  
  
Sam sighed. "Better not. Daniel's very sensitive about things like that. We'll have to be gentle when we suggest he name his 'bits' The Great Pyramid."  
  
"I suppose you're right," Janet answered, sounding highly disappointed. "A girl can dream though, can't she?"  
  
"I know I do."  
  
"Hey look, 'The Little Colonel' is on this list."  
  
"He probably e-mailed them with the suggestion."  
  
"I wouldn't be surprised...wait, so is the Little General...and wait, let me scroll down...oh my god! Mr. Wiggles is on the list too!"  
  
"You don't think all the guys come here to get their ideas, do you?"  
  
"What...? No...I mean...they wouldn't, would they?"  
  
Sam frowned. "Maybe they stumbled onto it." She narrowed her eyes at Janet. "It happened to you, after all."  
  
"Stop looking at me like that! I swear, it was an accident!"  
  
"Maybe it's in their genetic make-up. Maybe euphemisms for the penis are universal."  
  
"I guess...OhFor...purple pulsating pillar of power?" Janet shook her head in disgust. "These guys have way too much time on their hands."  
  
"How do you know all of these were submitted by guys?" Sam asked.  
  
"I meant that as the populous in general...I mean honestly, though, I'm sure we could come up with something better than schlongmaster 2000."  
  
"Big red snow cone," Sam said instantly. "That's better than schlongmaster 2000."  
  
"Damn right it is...wait, where did that come from?" Janet narrowed her eyes turning to Sam.  
  
"It's a long story. One I wouldn't be comfortable telling."  
  
"I don't think I want to know."  
  
"You're already dealing with mental pictures of a naked Homer, so I think you're probably right."  
  
"Don't remind me...Oh My God!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Throbbing purple pneumatic drill of love....I swear, that's what my husband used to call his!!"  
  
"No kidding? Good for you."  
  
"Oh yes, I felt very lucky." Janet rolled her eyes.  
  
"It's better than 'The Champ'"  
  
"Twig-n-berries....you know, I loved that movie."  
  
"I think I should stop reading these," Sam said. But morbid curiosity refused to let her turn away.  
  
"You know, there are quite a few of these names that bring to mind some of my less pleasant patients."  
  
Sam made a face. "I don't want to hear about the less pleasant patients. I still have nightmares about the time you gave Maybourne a physical. And I wasn't even there."  
  
"YOU have nightmares?! I've considered going to therapy for them, but am scared the psychologist would want me to...*shudder*...talk about it."  
  
"You already talked about it. With me. I didn't get paid and I had night terrors for a month."  
  
"What, you expected me to suffer through that alone?"  
  
"Whatever happened to doctor/patient confidentiality?"  
  
"It's Maybourne...and besides, I know you wouldn't say anything to anyone...it's not something you really want people to know you know, you know?"  
  
"Oh I know."  
  
"Anyway, I really don't want to talk about Maybourne anymore...the little bastard."  
  
"Yes--that name fits him well. But from what you told me, you might change it to 'tiny' bastard."  
  
Janet burst out laughing. "That's an understatement."  
  
"Yes, well, I think 'microscopic' might be pushing it. He is a superior officer, after all. A level of respect must be maintained."  
  
"Oh yes, respect...now if we were talking about the Colonel..." Janet sighed. "That man, and all his bits, deserve respect."  
  
Sam laughed with a nod, then turned around in the chair when she heard voices outside in the hallway.  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
"Okay...How bout 'The Duke'?"  
  
"No."  
  
"El Capitan?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Elvis!"  
  
Daniel came to a halt and rolled his eyes. "No!"  
  
"Come on, Daniel, you need a name. It's unnatural not to name your boys."  
  
"How, exactly, is it unnatural for me NOT to refer to," he searched the hallway with quick, paranoid, movements, "it as Elvis or El Capitan?"  
  
"Because ALL guys have a name for their penis, Daniel. You should not be the exception. And I didn't say you had to name it one of those, just...pick something."  
  
"If all the guys in the world jumped off a bridge--"  
  
"Don't give me that bridge crap."  
  
"I'll take that as a 'No, Daniel, I wouldn't--you win.'" Daniel grinned.  
  
"Smart ass." Jack glowered at Daniel before beginning down the corridor once more. "I told you, Daniel, you don't choose a name then Ferretti, Teal'c and I will choose one for you." Jack grinned. "Homo Erectus?"  
  
"I could very easily hate you."  
  
"But you don't."  
  
"Keep it up and we'll see."  
  
"What about Mr. Giggles? You and Teal'c could be twins." Jack chuckled.  
  
"No!" Daniel snapped.  
  
"The Great Pyramid." A voice from behind them spun both Daniel and Jack around.  
  
Janet and Sam were leaning against the doorway of Janet's office. Daniel's jaw dropped open. "Wh--"  
  
"Doc?" Jack raised an eyebrow at the highly flushed CMO, turning his eyes to his 2IC. "Carter?"  
  
"Sir?" Sam asked sweetly. "It is better than Elvis, Sir."  
  
"Hey, there is nothing wrong with El...wait...what?"  
  
"And much better than El Capitan, Colonel," Janet added. The flush in her face finally disappearing.  
  
"Oh god," Daniel whispered, then he turned to glare at Jack.  
  
"This is NOT my fault," Jack snapped at Daniel's accusatory glare. "If you'd just chosen a name in the locker...wait...How did you two know what we were talking about?"  
  
"It's...ah...kind of obvious, Sir," Sam said quickly.  
  
Jack stared at his 2IC, a look of suspicion on his face. "Why don't I believe you?"  
  
Daniel nodded. "You're tapping your foot, Sam. You always do that when you're lying."  
  
Sam glared down at her foot until it stopped its traitorous movement.  
  
"We could hear the two of you half way down the hall, Daniel. It was kind of hard to miss." Janet smiled innocently.  
  
Jack shook his head. "Fine, whatever...but The Great Pyramid?"  
  
"It seemed appropriate." Sam nodded.  
  
"I don't think appropriate would be the word I'd use." Jack smirked.  
  
Daniel stared at his friends disbelievingly, but was too speechless to interrupt.  
  
"Oh, I do," Janet gushed, catching herself, feeling the blush return.  
  
"Would you STOP talking about this?" Daniel snapped, finding his voice and glaring at his friends.  
  
"Sorry, Daniel," Sam said quickly. "You just sounded like you needed some help."  
  
"I think he's beyond help, Carter."  
  
"With all due respect, Sir, you can't blame him for turning down your suggestions."  
  
Daniel rolled his eyes and turned to flee but Jack absent-mindedly grabbed his sleeve and held him back.  
  
"I can so. They were great suggestions," Jack answered, feigning hurt.  
  
"Little Tut, Colonel?" Janet asked, with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.  
  
Sam's eyes widened and she mouthed "Little Tut" before mentally cursing and grabbing Janet's arm. "We're needed in the medical lab. Immediately. Good luck, Daniel! I hope you find yourself a good name soon." And then they were zooming down the hallway and around the corner, Sam pulling the bemused doctor in her wake.  
  
Jack watched his 2IC dragging their CMO down the corridor, a look of confusion on his face. "Why do I feel like we're missing something?"  
  
Daniel shook his head. "I don't know. You never suggested Little Tut, did you?"  
  
"Yes I did...don't you remember? In the locker room when..." Jack's eyes widened, a look of horror crossing his features.  
  
"Oh no," Daniel said. "They were--" Daniel broke off and clamped a hand over his mouth, making a choking sound.  
  
"OK, calm down, Daniel...it's okay...maybe they didn't hear everything...see everything...oh god...what if...I'm gonna kill them." Jack scrubbed a hand over his face.  
  
Daniel removed his hand from his face to place both hands on his thighs, gasping desperately. "Oh my god," he said again, before laughing in a manner that bordered on hysterical.  
  
Jack looked at his archeologist, not sure whether he should be worried or annoyed. "Daniel...how can you be laughing?"  
  
"Oh god...because, if they heard Little Tut, then they heard Little Colonel and...and... Mr. Wiggles and Cream Filled Twinkie...Of Doom," Daniel tried to bring his laughing under control. "So what do I have to be embarrassed about?"  
  
Jack opened his mouth, closing it again...annoyed, definitely annoyed. "You know, I could grow to hate you."  
  
"But you don't," Daniel said between the laughing fits.  
  
"Oh, but I could." Jack scowled at Daniel as he turned and began walking away. "I really, really could."  
  
Daniel raised himself up with another laugh and started following him. "You won't," he said assuredly. "So, I guess we have a winner then, huh? What do you think? The Great Pyramid? It has possibilities."  
  
Jack rolled his eyes as he pulled himself from the daydream of demoting Carter and Frasier to Lieutenants. "I still think Little Tut suits you better."  
  
"Sam and Janet didn't seem to think so," Daniel said sweetly. "They obviously put a lot of thought into it." He paused. "Maybe a disturbing amount of thought, but still--"  
  
Jack rolled his eyes, "Interesting how you seem so eager to name your penis now that Carter and Doc are in the picture." Jack paused in his step, giving Daniel an appraising look. "Why is that Daniel?"  
  
"Because I LIKE their suggestion!" Daniel snapped. "The Great Pyramid has a nice ring to it."  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Daniel and Jack spun around. The General stood in the hallway staring at them with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"General!" Daniel squeaked. Everyone on this base should be required to wear bells.  
  
"General, Sir...Ah.I can explain...You see it all started when Daniel..."  
  
Hammond held up a hand. "I don't want to know. I just don't want to know." Hammond spun on his heal and made a civilized exit without getting caught up and flustered with the Jack and Daniel banter like anyone else would.  
  
"I'm still naming it the Great Pyramid," Daniel informed him when the General was out of earshot.  
  
"Really, really could," Jack grumbled as he walked swiftly away from his far too smug archeologist.  
  
The End. 


End file.
